The whirlwind began, I think, when I started preparing my 2014 taxes (and included my cell phone cracking to the point of no return which forced the phone switch I had been delaying since October.). The tax prep process went on, and on, and on! Each step of the way I was reminded of the year that had just passed including both the successes and the failures. Like most, instead of focusing on the successes, my mind shifted to the shortcomings. As it did, I became angry with myself and held onto this anger for a couple of weeks. The voice in my head was saying things like "How could you go so long without tracking your mileage or your expenses?" "If you had done this all along, you would have time now to contact people about your programs." "Why did you add so many things to your plate?" "Why didn't you put things in files all year long?" "Why haven't you done all those trainings you paid so much money for?" "You had these same problems when you worked a full time job. Why haven't you learned?"
As time passed, the voice started talking more saying things like "Why are you still eating so much cr##?" "You look like you did after your oldest was born 13 years ago......before you had lost 60 pounds." "Why is your Christmas tree still up?" (Yes....3 wks after my last blog, it's still not put away! It was nice to hear my accountant today say that she was happy to see it up since hers was still sitting there waiting to be put away too. I was so glad I didn't rush to take it down yesterday out of fear for what she would think.)
Why does our mind do this to us? There are so many positive things my mind could've been thinking instead. Things like "You're business grew by leaps and bounds last year!" "You have a strong following that you didn't a year ago!" "You've planted lots of seeds this year and you will soon reap more than you've sown!"
The fact of the matter is that when a business grows as much as Z&B did last year, it's hard to keep up with all the administrative things that go along with it...and with the projects at home!. It's normal to have all the lose ends that are currently there (and if I didn't, I may not have served as many clients as I did last year.) I also sensed this growth at the end of 2014 and took steps to hire an accountant and admin assistant in Jan. The process I went through this year with the taxes was a great affirmation of the recent hires and sensing the need in 2014 should be celebrated!
It's easy to slip away from God during times like this. As I reflected recently, I realized that during this downward spiral I had stopped reading my bible at night and replaced it with watching episodes of The Closer on Hulu. (Oh, how I thought Hulu was great when we activated our year-long free subscription over XMAS break. Little did I know how it would suck me in and take my quite time away.)
So how does one turn this around? For me, I stopped to think about the various things I've learned from those amazing people I've surrounded myself with. The list is quite large and diverse (and unfortunately too much to list out of fear I'll miss someone.) Once I pulled myself out of self pity and was gentle with myself, treating myself as I would a friend, I was able to realize something quite important. The things I was upset with myself over are all part of my journey. Through my forgiving and letting go, I am able to move forward and rise above these challenges....then help my clients do the same. Rising above all of them is important because once I am faithful with what God has given me, I can then be faithful over much more. God HAS put me (and each of us) here to make a difference! Only by being humble and turning to Him for help can I do what He's put me here for.